Brevity

As long as I am alive there will always be another side—an other side.  In the midst of grief, loss, pain, or transition I often feel as if the struggle will never end.  I get stuck in the mire, sometimes allowing dark thoughts to take over and losing myself for a while.  I forget that … Read more

Bomb Shelter

People often make the assumption that parents deserve our utmost respect and attention no matter their shortcomings or misdeeds.  I believe I must be in the minority of people that strongly disagree.  For example, it is my personal opinion that the mere act of giving birth to someone does not make one a true mother.  … Read more

My Anti-Resolution

Here I am, only one day away from the New Year, unable to make any formal resolutions.  Like so many of us, I used to make promises for each year that primarily involved forms of torture or self-punishment.  Looking back, these resolutions always came from a place of feeling deficient in some way–not successful enough, not thin … Read more

My Fortress

As the year closes, and I approach my 40th birthday, I find myself physically and spiritually drained.  Run down with fever, I stayed home for Christmas and had much time to reflect on my life and how wonderful it is compared to what it used to be like.  My life today is a testament to … Read more

Loving For Survival

For my entire life, I have been loving for survival; returning to my family of origin in the arms of romantic partners and staying too long in relationships that were harmful to me.  This approach failed every time.  It is even more poignant at this time of year, when I am bombarded by photos depicting … Read more

There Were Two

In my nearly 40 years of living, I have been “in love” twice.  The first time around, I failed to realize there was someone else in the picture the whole time. The first time I fell in love, I was 23.  He was gorgeous, aloof, philosophical, and dangerous.  Our physical attraction was magnetic and the … Read more

Crumbs Cannot Feed the Soul

Lately I have been wondering why, in relationships, I have often settled for “crumbs.”  When I go to a bake shop to get a decadent brownie I do not savor the crumbs that fall onto the plate rather than the dessert.  So why do I accept morsels of love rather than abundance? Throughout the years, … Read more

No Knight in Shining Armor

Having been the product of a divorced home, as well as a witness to my parents’ toxic relationships with second spouses, one would think that traditional notions of romance and rescue would not have permeated my world view. In retrospect, I see that the dysfunction and chaos of my childhood drove me closer to the … Read more

Avoiding the Bends

Lately I have been wondering who suffers more—the person who lives each day in denial or one who lives with self-awareness? There has to be a reason for the existence of the phrase “ignorance is bliss.” I know many people who seem to be happy and who do not work on themselves at all.  Is it … Read more

Night Walking

Night time can be difficult for me. I equate the night with love (or a lack thereof): being held in the arms of a lover as you both drift to sleep; celebrations with friends as the clock ticks past midnight; and family gatherings in front of a fire on a cold Winter night.  When I am lacking in … Read more