The Miracle

I had always lived a life without love.  It started early, when my needs were neither acknowledged nor met and I slowly became invisible.  My own feelings scared and startled me because they were not important to those around me.  Slowly, I grew ashamed of even having them.  As a child, I was constantly berated for how … Read more

Disarmed

She found herself in the throes of something cosmic–a purity of heart emanating from the center of her chest.  She could feel lightness take over as the shadows of yesterday receded from her heart and mind.  She stood in silence, allowing the feeling to wash over her.  It was foreign yet beautiful–the antithesis of the … Read more

My Anti-Resolution

Here I am, only one day away from the New Year, unable to make any formal resolutions.  Like so many of us, I used to make promises for each year that primarily involved forms of torture or self-punishment.  Looking back, these resolutions always came from a place of feeling deficient in some way–not successful enough, not thin … Read more

His Ambivalence

I sat there listening to his words.  I had waited so long for this conversation as he revealed things that should have been said long ago; back when words meant something between us.  As they fell from his lips, I felt numb.  Nothing revealed warranted razing our relationship; transforming it from a lush oasis into … Read more

My Fortress

As the year closes, and I approach my 40th birthday, I find myself physically and spiritually drained.  Run down with fever, I stayed home for Christmas and had much time to reflect on my life and how wonderful it is compared to what it used to be like.  My life today is a testament to … Read more

Finding Christmas

For most of my young life, the holidays were a very confusing and conflicted time.  For one, I was always sick.  Without fail, I came down with strep throat or the stomach flu and could not fully enjoy the holiday.  Accompanying my various illnesses was maternal exasperation over the fact that, as usual, I needed … Read more

Loving For Survival

For my entire life, I have been loving for survival; returning to my family of origin in the arms of romantic partners and staying too long in relationships that were harmful to me.  This approach failed every time.  It is even more poignant at this time of year, when I am bombarded by photos depicting … Read more