His Ambivalence

I sat there listening to his words.  I had waited so long for this conversation as he revealed things that should have been said long ago; back when words meant something between us.  As they fell from his lips, I felt numb.  Nothing revealed warranted razing our relationship; transforming it from a lush oasis into a barren wasteland.  For months, pieces of my frozen heart fell to the floor, shattering as I waited for some recognition of what had been done.  Now, nothing made sense.

I looked at his lips.  I stared into his eyes.  I listened to the subtle intonations in his voice.  All of these had utterly hypnotized me when our love was new.  And so they did in this moment.  I remembered when we gazed at each other for hours, exploring the depths of our souls.  In this memory, my heart welled up with an expectation of love returned, opening again like a blooming sunflower.  I wanted him to hold me in his arms, feel our passion and start things anew.  My mind knew this was the wrong reaction but my spirit hoped for change, for some effort on his part.  There was nothing.

My heart had opened itself to darkness and a now unrequited love.  Despite his past promises, those eyes no longer held anything for me.  He did not want me.  Once my perfect match, the shroud fell as he spoke, revealing what I had not wanted to see.  For all of this time, the story he held close was a tool that he now used to extricate himself from our union.

Then I heard the blame, the deflection of feelings, and the cool detachment that I had always feared would come to the surface.  I searched him for some awareness of the depth of feeling we had once shared.  Inside, I questioned how a man could once claim love and then be so unwilling to sustain it?  How had we lost each other over such trivialities?  Sorrow washed over me.  I had misjudged his capacity for love and–in the end–was left holding my crumbling heart.

I posed one last question.  I embraced him, memorizing his scent and the weight of his arms.  I gazed into those eyes one last time, trying to catch a glimpse of what used to be my eternity.  While he had been cleansed in our time together, I now felt dirty.  My journey out of the darkness had only just begun.

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